Okay, my first blog is gonna be on judgment and opinion. A recent experience inspired this topic.
How would you respond if someone whom you barely know approaches you and makes some unflattering remarks on a close friend of yours? Let's say, with a sincere face, he leans towards you and remarks, pointing to your friend, ''That guy is really strange and mean. I always hear him whining!' I don't know how you would react, but I tell you how I did. I was speechless. Would you say ''Oh yeah!'' or give this poor fellow a miserable time facing him off with a tough questioning? The closer the person who is the target of the the gossip, the more miserable you would be. I hope you would never hear such a thing on, say, your spouse or your child.
When it happened to me, I completely disagreed with the remark because I knew my friend better than this person. But I couldn't face and challenge him either. That would almost be like whining. So I muttered something, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, and left immediately.
But then, what does this really mean? Everyone makes such remarks on others all the time. It only becomes embarrassing when the person who is the target of the gossip happens to be your friend. Most of the time, we are gossiping only while surrounded by the safe network of our friends so our words have little consequences. Even in the unlikely case where we are overheard, the gossip is so harmless that there is nothing to worry about.
I believe this is in general the outcome of our education. We are taught to judge, analyze, criticize (or you could say complain - what would be the difference between criticizing and complaining except that the later has some personal touch?). Of course these skills should be targeted towards solving to problems, and not towards attacking our colleagues. But, sometimes, one can't help misusing them toward abusing 'others.'
I would like to close this blog by recommending, mainly for myself, how to interpret and approach such experiences. Criticizing is a good tool, except when it is used for the wrong purpose. Though anyone can misuse it at any time, banning it is out of reach. The solution? I believe the answer is IMPERSONALIZing it. Anything becomes offensive only when it is personalized in the sense that, when we believe that the remark is inherently offensive and the person is, out of his mean attitude, directly targeting us.
What is the difference between receiving feedback on our presentation and overhearing someone gossiping about our dressing? Although in both cases people might be just saying their opinions instead of judging us, we seek the former but cringe from the later. So the difference lies in how we want to accept and interpret the experience. Just like accepting feedback is a professional way for learning, there should also be a 'professional way' for accepting gossip and interpreting it for growth. Did they say my trousers are out of fashion, or that my friend is whinny? Well then, that was a wrong opinion. My trousers might be out of fashion, but I hate shopping; and they might think my friend is whinny, but they don't know him close enough. That was just an opinion about which I don't care. I take either of these remarks as offensive only when I decide to reinterpret them as meaning something bad about me or my friend. What would that mean except that I am not certain that I am not a bad guy?
Somebody starts gossiping against my close friend, expecting my reaction. How will I react, saving self-esteem (not to share the point of view, which I do not like), stopping the gossip (to send a plain signal that I have no intention to proceed this discussion), not to upset relations with the gossip, and refraining to support him against the friend of mine?
ReplyDeleteYou recommend considering the gossip not as a judgement, but just as an oppinion. It is a nice idea. It means I prefer to think of the blabber the best, namely his gossip is based only on a lack of information about my friend. I am free to argue against the gossip, because it is just an opinion. I may not share it. Finally, it is easy for me to control myself, dealing with the opinion only. It will work, if the blabber is educated enough to distinguish a judgement and an opinion, he is not prone to quarrel, and he has not known that his target is my close friend.
Unfortunately, there are too many if’s. I do not agree that our tendency to critics and gossips is an outcome of education. Education just develops skills to critic something, which sets aside to our daily needs. Uneducated people spend hours discussing friends, neighbors and colleagues. They are critical to the government, taxes, cinema, and books. Unfortunately, even some educated people could be proned to quarrels. Finally, it is next to impossible if the blabber starts talking about my son or my spouse and has no idea about our relatoins.
What if the blabber is not educated, likes quarrels, and/or provokes me understanding my relations with people he touches? I think, in this case even the best option is painful. I have to choose, what of the four optiones mentioned in the first paragraph is most important for me. I would prefer to save self-esteem, because I must be able to answer myself for my goings all my life.
It is pretty obvious that you and me have different opinions on a number of things. I will pick only two for discussion.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I completely disagree with your classification of people into two groups: educated and uneducated. Honestly, I believe making such a classification is no different than blabbering. Let's say I hadn't entered high school at all, and I read this comment by you. How would I react? Like I mentioned in the blog, one option would be thinking that you are a mean and judgmental person and getting angry. The next option would be becoming more positive and understanding your remark just as an opinion. Obviously you believe that all (or perhaps most) uneducated people are blabber. You were wrong. I am here reading your blog, and uneducated as I am, I can still make an objective argument.
This same example actually shows the whole point of this blog. A perspective does not come from the object that is seen; it lies within the viewer. It really doesn't matter if the person blabbering is mean or not. But it matters how I see it. It is actually possible that the person is mean. And more, he might be uneducated. Still you can take a positive perspective (or a higher ground, so to say,) instead of blaming him. Somebody said "Just before you start criticizing someone, remember that the other person was not as lucky as you."
That person was not educated, or informed enough, or even not as brilliant as you are to differentiate between judgment and opinion. What should you do about it? Criticize him? How do you want to use your advantage over him? I think the best approach is to understand he has the wrong opinion. Once you believe in that, it doesn't matter what you do about it. You might try to gently convince him; you might slip away silently. But it is sure you will never start a fight, even if he wants it, just for the sake of a wrong opinion.
It is very easy to be wrapped up in your opinions and lose ground to understand the other person's position, especially while discussing complicated questions like this.
ReplyDeleteI think I have made quite a few mistakes in the previous comment which I want to correct here. Firstly, I think you are correct when you say uneducated people might be more likely to do such mistakes. Secondly, my remark about perspectives is a bit off the mark. The thing is that you were focussing on how to identify whether the person is deliberately making the mistake, but I was focussing on how I should react to him.
I start by recognizing that many people do gossiping cosnciously, I should confess, including myself. The experience I mentioned in the beginning of the blog happened in our cafe here at the university, so gossiping is not apparently exclusive to 'uneducated' people. So the question raised here can be simplified as follows: what should I do (or how should I react) when a person makes an obvious mistake of gossiping on myself or my close friend? I think it is a largely moral than logical question, and I will perhaps have difficulty to convincingly prove by means of logic alone that my conclusions in the blog are valid.
Probably, the adjective "educated" is not good enough for my classification. Think of "advanced" or "matured" or "wise" instead. Anyhow, I will develop this topic.
ReplyDelete